By Don Chiluba
Dude how? How would I convince the people at home that I haven’t gone mad? Or should I just gather the clothes and dress up at the venue? Ok, even if I do, how do you guarantee no one would take pictures of us and post it on instagram! Bobs we are taking this thing too far o, I think we should stop now before we grow into ‘Agbayas’ that’s if we are not there already!
Guy, I have another call, let me call you back later on this. But please don’t send any invite on any theme party yet, I haven’t agreed o.
Yeah! Sure you’re wondering what the phone conversation was all about; I will tell you. I and a few of my friends are builders, we run a JV kind of arrangement, I guess you know how it works, so let me not bore you with the details. The truth is that we have refused to grow up. Almost in our 50s, we’re all happily married except for this guy I just spoke with, who has been married and divorced thrice. He is the major reason we can’t grow up in the real sense of it. We have lived the full life span of real and true town “ bruv(s)” at the least six times, Which means we have spent over 30years frolicking in any way you can think of it. We once put together our five year savings and blew it up in one night in Vegas. On one of our vacations in Spain, we have tried to pay all the girls at Ibiza, but it backfired. On many counts we have beaten immigration and boarders with no real documents. We have bought cars in Lagos used them for 6 months and returned same to the dealers while we kept settlement money for the trouble. We’ve slept in hotels with the intention not to pay, and we ended up walking free. So many unprintable things I can’t put down here, but what I just want to establish, is how crazily we have lived as boys, from the first day we rolled out the car that later became our first jalopy, pushed it all the way to and from our first party in junior secondary school, just to be seen standing around and sitting in a car. Now we build houses; throw private parties in the houses we later sell. What can we do nah; our families wouldn’t allow us be our usual selves, so we live out our coded selves.
On this occasion now Pablo wants us to have a theme party because of the new chic he met. Some aristocratic chic from Malawi, who has decided to try out everything she’s heard about Nigeria, so they want us to have an ALTE’ theme party.
ALTE’ means ‘alternative’ they say it’s a lifestyle. Some group of kids in this country who claim they have a unique sense of fashion and music, which is vintage and somewhat retrospective. This style is also tagged the “new school”. Their music is metaphysical and whimsical; it’s usually a fusion of melody and harmony in a seamless way. It’s the kind of music that aids all forms of terrible vices in kids these days, that ‘science student’ kind of stuff. Their fashion is totally crazy. They say it’s flexibility governed by lack of restrictions; androgyny sort of, but all I see are people who wear oversized colorful but disoriented outfits. These people are basically misfits if you ask a normal person, but now they have found a movement that will allow them be whatever they want to be. My fear is that with this Alte’ stuff it will be difficult to differentiate kids who are on drugs from normal kids, and because of the strength in their character, they will soon become a strong influence on other kids. I see them all around, I interact with them, but I will never allow their influences near my home, “no matter how my craze reach”.
The ALE’ movement is not a bad one, don’t get me wrong. They are kids redefining the imaginative landscape with daring application of fashion and music. Since 2018, they’ve grown stronger. What is really not comforting is the totality of their freedom of expression, and the fact that they mingle mostly with people of similar interest, maybe to avoid criticism or to hide inner identity crises. We need to pay a little more attention to the kids; they have so much at their disposal and little time to really think before taking a leap. The world is moving so fast with them in the centre of it all. Now, am thinking how to create little boundaries for these Alte’ kids. Life should be encouraged to live freely but with a little instruction here and there. Wearing clothes that can easily hide bottles of codeine, fat wraps of anything moldable and tablets is a no-no for me. I don’t even like how their eyes look and how slow they speak and react. We need to look closely at our kids all the time.
So, now you have an idea of the kind of party Pablo wants “ Agbayas” like us to organize in a house we just completed on the island. Also, he wants us to tell the “ runz” them coming to dress in such a manner. What will the neighbors say? Won’t one overzealous neighbor do a video of us welcoming chics and put up on social media? Then the real ‘kasala’ will burst. It’s always good for one to recognize when village people are at work. Abi does one want to be remembered just like Okafor of ‘Okafor’s law’.
Na wah o, how did we get here, how on earth are we still living like we are in the university. That’s the point; a whole lot of grownups are still running around doing things they should have stopped a long time ago. Either because they just got comfortable and think a certain lifestyle comes with comfort, or they never got the opportunity to enjoy life till this point. So, now that they have tasted money and what it can buy, they put on that ‘we die hia’ attitude that couldn’t take Nigeria past the Algerians at the world cup. Every dude wants to show off once he’s got a good job or any other good means of livelihood.
Homes are broken because of this lifestyle. Partners are very unfaithful trying to keep up with the Joneses. It is very hard to settle down and yet lead an irresponsible life, very tough living the life of ‘bottoms up’ and yet be stable at the home front. Things are gradually going wrong but young successful men and women can’t see it, because we cover it with Italian suit and expensive make ups. It’s not just me, Pablo, Ricky and Gbenga, its everywhere. We have become masquerades, so we pretend at work and at home, and then we go to our secret places to meet our secret Santa. Guest houses are booming seriously, and where do you think most of the patronages come from? Don’t say visitors, visitors ‘bawo’. The poppin’ every weekend at the clubs, who do you think pays? Celebrities and ladies drink for free or you can call it PR before my celebrity friends go vex! Most unsettled young men drink on a budget, because they have projects they are planning for. It is successful husbands who are business men and those who occupy good positions in the corporate world that pay for all these things. Especially the ones who were ‘jew’ men back in the day. Now they think spending on women and living waywardly will make them what they are not. Wait until your funeral when they bring the legitimate kids you got illegitimately. Stop breaking your homes and union just because you want to be seen as a correct socialite. Nothing is wrong with who you are, and don’t tell me you enjoy it because it’s not fun. Hangover is not fun, negative alerts aren’t fun either. All those things you take to outdo the last or next guy isn’t fun too because you know your kidney and heart “dey hear am”. The last time I checked STDs are still not fun nor paying for an abortion; that’s if she doesn’t want to be a baby mama. For the ladies, all the concoction the babalawo gives you “ dey smell”, and we know, we just dey pretend; your perfume no fit cover am finish, you dey smell. Most importantly, when you jump out of your broken home eventually, the men and women you want to hook up with will free you. They like the guilt of cheating, so once you’re officially available they move to the next victim.
Being a town boy or girl doesn’t mean you have to violate all the gentlemanly and real lady codes. Grow up and stay grown. Allow younger folks their turn and their mistakes, am sure when you’re naked in front of your mirror you’ll concur with this. If you have enjoyed life once, just savor the memories and if you haven’t let it go. Use your wealth and position for better things; most importantly use your time well. Spend it with people who will spend there’s with you in old age. “Juju don full everywhere o; if you no park well them go useless you for this life”.
I don’t know how I digressed from my thought about the Alte’ theme party, but it’s obvious am going to call my friend back and tell him I want to spend this weekend at home with my family. Let my name be missing from the TOWNBOY list this weekend.