By Kunle Alfonso
Club football has had some of the most intelligent, gifted and tactically astute coaches that Sport has ever seen.
Bill Shankley. Bob Paisley. Brian Clough. Sir Alex Ferguson. Giovanni Trappatoni. Fabio Capello. Ottmar Hitzfeld. Louis van Gaal. Sir Bobby Robson. Josep ‘Pep’ Guardiola. Jose Mourinho. Jurgen Klopp. Arsene Wenger.
There are more. These men have in their own unique way, revolutionised and changed the way the game is played, leaving legacies that have forever etched their names in the golden annals of this beautiful game.
But there have been times when you just wonder what some of them were thinking when they said certain things, some of which border on plain ridiculous. Where were their media aides? Isn’t there supposed to be a team around them that’s paid very well to prevent these types of faux pas?
But then again, maybe they do it intentionally: you know, to cover up their recent mistakes and deflect attention from them.
I’m going to run you through some of the best… or worst, depending on your sense of propriety. But be warned: some are notably cringe-worthy.
Here we go.
Arsene Wenger
There’s no better place to start than with le professeur himself. Look, let me nail my colours to the mast here. I’m a die-hard Arsenal fan: an incurable Gunner. But hey, I’m not here to discuss our obvious issues; I’ll save that for another day. I’ll just stick to the topic.
But then again, there’s a popular saying around here that has been used many times in one art form or the other:
“Before you yab me, I will yab myself”, so I’m starting with my manager.
In early May 2014, a day or two before the FA Cup Final against Hull City (which Arsenal eventually won to end their 9-year trophy drought), Arsene Wenger was asked how a league title challenge had slipped yet again from the red half of north London. Wenger responded:
“We spent 128 days at the top of the league this season, more than any other team, so we won the stamina league”.
I couldn’t finish the rest of the meal I was having at that moment.
Jurgen Klopp
Look, Liverpool fans amuse me. I find their fixation on their history and past achievements in the 70s and 80s endearing. In fact my favourite “egbon” is a fanatical scouser (shout out, Jungle!), and I simply can’t bring myself to say anything really nasty about this great club.
Their current manager, Jurgen Klopp is also an extremely likeable character; his antics on the touchline and colourful press conferences are a sideshow by themselves.
But, ehm… his answer to a question on Henrikh Mkhitaryan (when they were both at Borussia Dortmund) just left me speechless. Hear him:
“Mkhitaryan fits us like an arse on a bucket. What he produces is exactly what we need’.
Arse… on… bucket? What… he produces? Really, Herr Klopp?
Jose Mourinho
Well, what can I say? The whole world and its dog know what this unique man is all about. You can love him or you can hate him, but one thing is certain: you certainly can’t ignore him.
We can fill copious print space with tons of Jose’s quotes, but I’ll just leave you with this one that left me scratching my head.
Questioned about winning and losing, and in direct reference to Barcelona’s 5-0 drubbing of Real Madrid in November 2010 (when he was still manager there), Jose said:
“I prefer to lose 5-0 once, than 1-0 five times. If you have a Ferrari and I have a small car, to beat you in a race, I have to break your wheel or put sugar in your tank”.
Ludicrous doesn’t even start to describe this analogy by Jose! Who is the Ferrari and who is the small car? Over 400 million people were watching on that Monday night- there was no other game going on, as the whole footballing world witnessed an unforgettable, magical display from Barcelona. Real Madrid hardly touched the ball.
Too much Portuguese wine.
Pep Guardiola
You knew this would come, didn’t you? I mean, how on earth can this piece be complete without Jose’s archrival? Oh, and yes, putting them one after the other is deliberate: sue me!
Pep’s place in the pantheon of the all-time great coaches is not in doubt, even at his relatively young age. His achievements speak for themselves and his teams are a joy to watch, even if the jury is still out on whether he would have been this successful without the embarrassment of talent and financial might he has always had at his disposal.
Football is a game of tactics. Great managers always adapt how they line up their team and approach each game depending on their opponents. Constantly out-thinking your adversary is the key to success. So for Pep to have said what follows here is beyond rational thought:
“If there isn’t a sequence of 15 previous passes, a good transition between attack and defence is impossible”.
I’ll leave you guys to do your collective “ah-ah, Oga Pep, gerrarrahere!”
This kind of Pep-talk should carry fines for arrant nonsense.
Sir Alex Ferguson
Arguably the greatest football manager ever was the undoubted king of mind games. Successful teams after successful teams were built with intricate attention to detail, both on and off the pitch. Out-psyching opposing managers was elevated to an art form by this giant amongst managers.
For years, Gary Neville was his club captain at Manchester United, and the two still share a special relationship till today. That’s why this tasteless quip about the older Neville is simply mystifying:
“If he was a few inches taller, he’d be the best defender in Britain. His father is over 6 feet tall- I’d check the milkman.”
I m guessing this was meant to be funny, but casting aspersions on a man’s paternity even in jest? No try am for here o!
Okay, so that’s it guys. Oh, before I go, let me leave you with an immortal blooper from a former England manager, Terry Venables:
“Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me”.
Chisos!
Well, whether you’re for me or pro me, please join me next time.
Cheers.