Clear! clear!! clear!!! no try yourself unless you wan die!! off this motor immediately, twhaaa! That was the last earthly sound I heard, before sudden panic and chaos greeted me in what seemed like I had lost only a moment of consciousness.
Dan, Dan, open your eyes Dan. Hian! Thank God you’re back to life o. we were all scared, we thought you had died. In fact, we really considered leaving you in your car there on the road to go sort out our own issues first. But Ejiro said she couldn’t, the babe ‘sef’ don dey like you. Take, she’s on the phone, she wants to speak with you. The voice from the other end of the phone was so faint that I could barely hear a thing, on my own end was so much confusion and weakness that I was even afraid to accept my name was Daniel.
Yes, my name is Daniel Okon, a returnee,’ if you know you know’. I live in Lagos with my wife and 3 kids, though I was recently transferred to Akure by my organization to drive our strategy in that region. So you can say I live in two cities. Usually, I spend my weekends in Lagos with my family, but once every quarter my wife insists on coming down to Akure to see things for herself. I guess that’s her own way of keeping an eye on her man. But you know women, her story is that it gives her the opportunity to help me put things together, to make sure I don’t live below the expected family standards.
I graduated from University of Benin almost 2 decades ago, then proceeded to Jand for further studies. Having mentioned my name earlier for the sake of privacy, I shall not dwell on the details of my person nor my family. So I’ll go straight to the point.
If you have lived in Benin, you will attest to the fact that, every now and then, there’s this urge to visit Benin. What I don’t know is the reason for that; could it be the sense of brotherhood the city exudes, or the thorough willingness and style with which the gals in that city go about their businesses, whatever it is, you’ll agree with me that once you have lived in Benin, you’ll always want to visit Benin. I am so guilty of this fact, and with no apology, even as I write I would still jump at the slightest opportunity to visit Benin. It’s an opportunity to announce your arrival in the real sense of it and also to visit those places as a student you wished you could afford; this time, in the company of the kind of chics that have made the town exactly what it is. They demand not so much for themselves, but wouldn’t compromise the quality of guy and ride they roll in.
It was Friday afternoon, at about 1pm. I had cleared out all incriminating items in my apartment, including 2 catapults that I couldn’t really figure out how they got into my wardrobe. Could it be IYAWO’S, hmmm! i wasn’t ready for a miscue, so I simply folded them and stuffed them in the pocket of my mobs driver’s door. I was squeaky clean, ready to welcome my sweetheart and the kids, when this call came in. exactly 1:03pm, it was my wife calling to let me know they wouldn’t be able to come around, as junior had been nominated to represent his school the next day at a spelling bee. As I received the call, I was already chatting Ejiro on whatsApp, telling her of my plans to hit Benin that same Friday evening for a rock n’ roll. Of course I sounded appropriately disappointed on the phone with my wife and promised her that I could come in Saturday, just to make sure she didn’t have a change of mind and start rushing down after the spelling bee competition.
I quickly cleared my table, asked the cleaner to keep my lunch money till Monday and told my team I had to rush off for an important meeting. What can I say, in the bid to make the night as long and memorable as ever, I wanted to get to Benin as soon as I could. Thank God say I no kill myself for accident o. My next stop was at Okada, to take a leak and use some perfume; never liked the idea of using perfume less than 10mins before a hook up, it reeks of a show off, as the scent is usually stronger and offensive. I like 30-40mins, so the whiff is a bit stale. That way smelling good comes off you like a way of life. I also made that stop to put all official matters in the boot, make person no follow groove loss office documents o. You know these gals no sabi book again, dem fit use memo wrap kpoli for club when e rough. I landed Benin in record time, straight to Ejiro’s crib in town, where I met Ejiro and 3 other gals, all pretty and young, with all the necessary works. Chai! Benin is in trouble I thought to myself, as they had just credited me earlier in the day with my leave allowance. What an irony, whoever made me think I could implicate Benin, a city that survived the legendry molestation, rape and abuse by the white man. How did I ever think that the lean confidence in my mind was enough to see me through a night I wished to be the longest I ever spent in Benin. Hmmm! In retrospect, it is actually the record shortest night I have experienced in my entire life.
A bit of intro and chitty chatty and we were all in the ride ready to paint the city in my own shades. It was just 8:30pm, I was famished, and so I asked we eat first. You know say alcohol and empty stomach dey crazy when dem meet. Where do we go now to have a good meal, I thought to myself? Believe you me, it was the last sensible though I had for the night. I just heard a big bang on my bonnet as three Okada with their occupants pounced on the vehicle and everything in the vehicle. clear! clear!! clear!!! no try yourself unless you wan die. off the motor immediately, my door was thrown open and before I could switch to my British accent for effect, I just heard twhaaa!, thinking about it now, it wasn’t a bang, it was a metallic slap. Someone had loaded me a high voltage slap at about 8.7hp or at least 3,623 megawatts. I passed out.
After struggling to speak with Ejiro on the phone, I finally asked the nurse what I was doing there and what really happened. The nurse just said sarcastically in Benin intonation; ‘na pant robbers you ecanta’. Armed robbers? I asked. “Nooo, no be ‘onle’ armed robbers….. I say pant robbers” she continued, “if na armed robbers dey for don kii you nah! you no know say for Benin and environs now dem dey rob pant like say na moni, anyway sha na moni oh!” i jumped up immediately an dashed out and back in. Where did I find the energy to suddenly be up and doing, my brother, I had just realized that I had two pants by my car door which I wasn’t sure belonged to my wife or not. “Please where is my car? I need to confirm something, where is my car?”I asked frantically. Trust sharp Benin gals, they quickly told me the pants by the door were taken too. In fact, I had to confess they were there from Akure because the gals were roughened a little when they couldn’t prove the ownership of the pant when the pant robbers found them. “Dem commot all our pant and ask us to even wear the new ones they carry, we come remove am again give dem. The two dem see for your door make dem come dey ask us who you be, whether you sef na ‘pant robber’. Police sef don say when you wake up make them call them, say you too go explain how two pants take dey your car”.
At this point, I wish to stop this narration. It’s shamefully ugly, ‘PANT ROBBERY’ in Nigeria in 2019. What is going on? Young men taking underwear forcefully or by tricks in broad day robbery, to go and sell. Who are they selling it to, for what use; Rituals, I guess. What kind of rituals, where is the funding coming from? Only one class can afford to spend that kind of money for rituals, and that is the political class. Isn’t this round tripping? Tax payers’ money goes into the hands of politicians, they use it to buy pants for rituals from tax payers’ children, then the children spend the money on other tax payers daughters, to gain access to their pants and sell them again for more of the tax payers money, which has found its way into the political class. Then the police PRO comes out to say that if any is caught he will be charged for murder. I ask murder of what? Instead of the police to narrow it down to where these pants are used and nail the culprits, they are busy on the social media through their PRO saying nothing useful.
It is very unfortunate how quickly our standards are lowered. The youths of this nation are on the verge of what I can’t explain, but I know they’re on the verge of whatever monster the system has created through bad governance. The family structure is almost destroyed. Baby mamas everywhere and no one is worried. Girls now have a good reason not to wear pants anymore, just wait for the multiplier effect soon. The political class is busy shipping their kids off the shores. But I make them a promise, if you don’t fix this nation, your children will return junkies, o yes, we are beginning to see them all over town Friday nights especially.
Forgive me if I ended my story abruptly to pour out my mind. I really wish my voice could be heard on some issues, but I know someday I will be heard. It was my wife that finally bailed me from the police. Thank God the two pants were not hers, though I still can’t figure out how they got into my wardrobe. Could it be my landlord’s daughter that kept them as a parting shot? If na she, she’s on her own. The prayer point is here waiting for her when she returns with her master’s degree. I will keep saying these things, so parents who are less experienced or the ones who care less about their children will read and hear and sit-up.
Someday, the stories told on this space with enough experiential account, would have echoed through our land and resonate enough to bring the change we deserve in all of us. But for now, in your ears let it remain a whisper.